Trump: Je ne suis pas bien portant

Legendary French comic singer Gaston Ouvard performs “Je ne suis pas bien portant” (I Am Not In Good Health)

Donald Trump avoided military service to his country thanks to a “minor” malady. He said he had visited a doctor who provided him a letter for draft officials, who granted him the medical exemption. He could not remember the doctor’s name. (New York Times August 1, 2016)

I Am Not In Good Health (English Translation)

Since I am on Earth [in the army]
It’s not funny. Between you and me,
I have a poor health,
And I’m worried sick
Well might I try to get better
I suffer from every sides

I’ve got my spleen
That’s swelling
I’ve got my liver
That’s not straight
I’ve got my belly
That’s pulling in
I’ve got my pylorus
That’s coloring
I’ve got my gizzard
Weakening
My stomach
Far too low
And my ribs
Far too high
I’ve got my hips
That are itching
My epigastrium
That’s embedding itself
My abdomen
That’s thrashing about
I’ve got my thorax
That’s throwing off balance
My chest
That’s falling apart
My shoulders
That are brushing against each other
I’ve got my kidneys
Far too thin
My bowels
Far too big
I’ve got my sternum
That’s unseating itself
And my sacrum
It feels the same
I’ve got my belly button
All spinning out of control
And my coccyx
That’s unscrewing itself

Ah ! Good God ! How annoying it is
To always feel dodgy,
Ah ! Good God ! How annoying it is,
I’m not in good health.

In order to try and heal as fast as possible,
A morning recently
I went to visit
The major of the regiment.
[A very impressive medic]
What do you suffer from ? he asked
It’s fairly simple, I replied to him

I’ve got my spleen
That’s swelling
I’ve got my liver
That’s not straight
And then I
Added
You see
That’s not all
I’ve got my knees
That are all flabby
I’ve got my femur
That’s too hard
I’ve got my thighs
That are stiffening
My pins [legs]
That are like jelly
I’ve got my ankles
That are wiggling
My kneecaps
That are fluttering
My shinbones
All worn out
My calves
Too thick
My toes
Not alike
I’ve got my heart
Lengthwise
My lungs
All long and narrow
My occiput
That’s heckling
I’ve got my elbows
That are unsoldering
I’ve got my breasts
Under my pelvis
And my pelvis
That’s not well

{chorus}

With a charming young lady
I should have got married by love
But one night, as I was close to her,
Courting her,
Seeing me confused, she tells me:
– What’s wrong ? And I answered her:

I’ve got my spleen
That’s swelling
I’ve got my liver
That’s not straight
I’ve got my belly
That’s pulling in
I’ve got my pylorus
That’s coloring
I’ve got my gizzard
Weakening
My stomach
Far too low
And my ribs
Far too high
I’ve got my hips
That are itching
My epigastrium
That’s embedding itself
My abdomen
That’s thrashing about
I’ve got my thorax
That’s throwing off balance
My chest
That’s falling apart
My shoulders
That are brushing against each other
I’ve got my kidneys
Far too thin
My bowels
Far too big
I’ve got my sternum
That’s unseating itself
And my sacrum
It feels the same
I’ve got my belly button
All spinning out of control
And my coccyx
That’s unscrewing itself
And then I
Added
You see
That’s not all
I’ve got my knees
That are all flabby
I’ve got my femur
That’s too hard
I’ve got my thighs
That are stiffening
My pins [legs]
That are like jelly
I’ve got my ankles
That are wiggling
My kneecaps
That are fluttering
My shinbones
All worn out
My calves
Too thick
My toes
Not alike
I’ve got my heart
Lengthwise
My lungs
All long and narrow
My occiput
That’s heckling
I’ve got my elbows
That are unsoldering
I’ve got my breasts
Under my pelvis
And my pelvis
That’s not well
Along with that
I’m not hiding it from you
I also have
What a pain !
My uvula’s
Too skinny
My oesophagus
That’s floating
My gums
That are drifting
I’ve got my palate
That’s not ugly
But my teeth
It’s a pity
I’ve got the small ones
That are chafing
And the big ones
That are coming loose
My eye teeth
Shriveling
My molars
Making a match
As for my eyes
It’s no better
I’ve got the right one
That’s not right
And the left one
That’s quite hideous
I’ve got my lashes
That are slipping off
My eyebrows
That are shaving themselves
I’ve got the chin
That is too long
My arteries
Too dull
I’ve got my nose
All blocked up
The hole at the base of my neck
That is unstitching
And so
You see
I’m embarrassed
To talk
It’s hurtful
‘Cause now
I’m forced
To stop.

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